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Of Rice and Yen
an englishmans look at the best and worst of Japan; the pleasures and pains, the gems and the jaw-droppers


by Dave Mosley



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CONTENTS

The People
Homo Nipponicus

Ageing Population
Bowing Out Gracefully

Barbers
Something for the Weekend

The Address System
Orient-eering

Convenience
24/7 Heaven

TV Talents
Work for Idol Hands

Belonging
One of the Tribe

The Language
Words Fail Me

Elementary Education
Take a Bow

Natural Disasters
Shake, Rattle, ‘n’ Roll

Crime and Punishment
What Goes Around...

Environment
Spotting the Elephant

Baths and Hot Springs
Naked Truths

Elections
Shout From the Top

Food
France, Eat your Heart Out!

Roads
You Doraibu Me Crazy

Trains
Right on Track

Town Planning
The Golden Turd

Japanese Pastimes
Pain and Gain

Karaoke
Singing the Blues

Cleanliness
Keeping my Nose Clean

Company Life
Three Years on a Rock

Izakaya
A Red Lantern Day

Pachinko
Men with Steel Balls

Geography
Of Hill and Dale

Gaijin
Aliens have Landed

Special Occasions
Stepping Stones

Noise Pollution
Empty Vessels

Religion
High Spirits

Conformity
Waiting for the Green Man

Electronic Gadgetry
Gizmos and Doohickeys

Erotica
Miniskirt Police

Customer Service
The Customer is God

EngRish
Let’s Speaking

Health and Welfare
Just What the Doctor Ordered

Materialism
The World of Louis Vuitton

Recycling
Down in the Dumps

The Weather
Mad Dogs and Englishmen

Prices
Cheap as Chips

Women’s Rights
Glass Ceilings and Teddy Bears

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SAMPLE CONTENT

19

Japanese Pastimes

Pain and Gain

There are several things I’ve never done in Japan. I’ve never hauled myself up Mount Fuji, I’ve never set foot on the northern island of Hokkaido, I’ve never sat through a kabuki play, and I’ve never taken up any of Japan’s numerous martial arts. It’s not that I’m not interested in these things, but just that work or a general lack of free time has always got in the way. Actually that’s not entirely true. In the case of the martial arts, lack of free time was the thing that got in the way for only the first couple of years until I finally gave one of them a go. After that, the thing that got in the way was a laughably poor excuse for a padded mat and an excruciating pain that tap-danced up and down my spine.

It was Autumn of 1992 when I politely accepted a friend’s invitation to pop into his judo club to take a look. It all sounded reassuringly non-committal. He’d show me round, introduce me to a couple of people, and if I liked what I saw I could join up. He was as good as his word, but as the clubs facilities were sparse to say the least, the tour was over in a matter of seconds.

The simple wooden hut consisted of a single although fairly large rectangular room. A series of high windows ran down the length of one side and big wooden shutters along the other could be wrestled back to open up the entire building to the adjoining park. It looked like it should have been, and probably once was, a village hall, but had now been converted to a judo club by the simple addition of a number of large and sturdy looking mats that now occupied just over half of the total floor space.

As promised, I was introduced to a couple of the club’s members, and as we analyzed them from a safe distance my friend set about explaining something of the rules. Despite his lengthy and somewhat knotty explanation it all sounded remarkably simple. The object of the game is to immobilize your opponent. To do this you can either grapple them to the ground and keep them pinned there, or grab onto them and persuade one of their joints, perhaps an elbow or knee, to take a fresh look at the world from an entirely different angle. In either case, maintaining a position of complete control over your opponent for a set number of seconds wins the game. The aim then is not actually to snap your opponents arm off but just to let them know that doing so wouldn’t put you to too much trouble.

Rules understood, I was lent a white judogi uniform and we stepped onto the matted area of the room for a demonstration of some of the set practise moves known as kata. We went through a number of kata and then to finish off I was encouraged to copy a demonstration of what’s presumably the correct way to fall or to dodge an incoming opponent. It’s basically a forward-roll type movement but done from a standing position. To execute the move you just collapse your body like a string puppet dropped from above and then tumble smoothly forwards with little or no use of the hands and end up back on your feet ready to carry on the fight. It’s very impressive to watch but I found my brain reluctant to let me give it a go and so, after several minutes of naïvely trying to persuade me otherwise, my friend eventually relented.

Whirlwind training session over we set about for a bit of handson rough and tumble and despite my total lack of skill and

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